Tales From My Pizza Days
The Time Squirrely Puked in the Bus Tub
Welcome to the first episode of my life as a pizza delivery guy. Today we’re going to cover a great story about a guy we’re gonna call Squirrely.
Squirrely was about 17 or 18. A typical red-neck type kid. Wore crap covered shoes and pants, thought crudeness equated to humor, and was about as smart as a sack of of that weird chocolate bark people use for landscaping and poisoning dogs.
His crowning moment, that he assumed would bring upon him adoration and high-fives, was when he told us how, he urinated in his girlfriends shampoo and put her toothbrush in his ass to get back at her for breaking up with him. I’m pretty sure it was because he cheated on her too. I didn’t think people really did that stuff inn real life.
Anyway, this guy was a classic, and this story makes me laugh every time I think about it.
PP = Pizza Place
The Actors – Names are all fake etc.
Squirrely = Stupid Red-Neck Kid
W = Random Nameless Waitress
KW = Kitchen Worker
M = Manager
DR = Driver
It was a slowish Tuesday night at the Pizza Place. Several DR’s and KW’s were sitting around near the phones eating supper and smoking. I don’t recall the conversation, but I was talking with DR1 and DR2 about something and Squirrely was making the only order at the time. That’s when it began from out front.
W1: “Eww Eww Eww Eww”
W2: “Oh my God”
W1: “Eww Eww Eww”
W1 came running through the double swinging doors into the kitchen.
W1: “Someone poooooooped in the urinal. Ewwwwww” (waving hands furiously)
M: “Well, go clean it up”
W1 “I’m NOT cleaning that up, ewwww”
At this point all the DRs and KWs are laughing, some are filing out to go check out the urinal poop. After the initial madness dies down and a KW is assigned the task of disposing of the feces, Squirrely has finished making the order and goes to check out the dastardly deed for himself. A few seconds later he comes back in busting out in laughter.
He literally can’t stop laughing for a minute, and then two. Eventually he stops, because he threw up in his mouth. He swallows it down and takes one breath before it starts to come up again, at this point he lurches towards the pass-through window where we keep the bus tubs. Luckily both are empty because of the slow night. He proceeds to vomit in and around both of them.
I don’t remember who ended up taking care of the turd, but Squirrely cleaned up his own puke, I do remember that…